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The Archives 2004-2020

The Love Guru: Single Again and Cheaters

Submit your questions regarding love, relating, dating, and all the good stuff that comes along with it to loveguru@sapnamagazine.com.

Back in the Dating Scene After a Break Up

Dear Love Guru,
After a very long relationship I have just entered the dating scene. The last time I was single was when I was 18 and now I am 24, so unfortunately my behavior has gone back to that of a 18 year old. I have been going out A LOT and being reckless to distract myself. I have also been meeting many different guys. I haven’t been sleeping around, thanks to my trusty vibrator but since I don’t want another commitment for a long time, I can see the path leading that way. Sometimes I feel like I am having so much fun, but then when I sit still for a moment and think, I realize I miss parts of my old life. How can I date and live more responsibly before my life spirals out of control?

Sincerely,
Two-Faced, VA

Dear Two-Faced,
Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. You are going through a phase that many before you have also experienced. After a break up, our primitive inclinations are to fill the void that abruptly was created. But you need to realize that YOU, that soul inside your body, needs you right now. She needs you to help her grow, help her succeed, help her inspire, and help her become a YOU that you can both be proud of. And the truth is, there is no one on this earth that can help her except you. No man, no mother, no best friend, no sibling…she needs your focus and guidance.

At the same time, it is an absolute must to go out and meet new people and try new things. Your relationships with new, good people will help you learn more about yourself and build a strong support system. But there has to be a time and place for this. Make a list of your priorities and blocks out time in your schedule for this. Rank…family, school, job, hobbies and then schedule.

As far as dating, my advice is dating is overrated. When a man goes into “date mode” they present their best side, create false expectations about romance and themselves. Because the truth is, all men have flaws and all men lose a bit of the romance once they are comfortable. If you want to save yourself more emotional baggage that best route is to be FRIENDS with different types of people. Once a guy knows you have put him in the friend zone, he will be more inclined to act out his true nature. This way you will learn ALOT about guys and also you will learn a lot of the different guys you might be interested in. Also, remember the love guru’s cardinal rule, “for every guy you kiss, you close the door to 5 of his cooler, better looking friends”. So take it slow! And believe me, when you’re ready to take the friendship over the line, it will be totally in your hands, I have never heard a man complain.

Sincerely,
Your Love Guru

***

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Dear Love Guru,
I just met an amazingly nice guy. He is complete boyfriend material. We spend a lot of time together and we get along awesome. We also started hooking up and that’s amazing too! We are also from the same background so there is nothing to keep us from having a great future together except one thing. He can’t get over the fact that I have a “bad girl” reputation and that I cheated on my ex. Every time I ask him where we stand in this relationship, he says ” I don’t know”. He says his gut feeling is that I care about him and I would be good to him, but his head is saying he doesn’t want to get hurt and he can’t trust me completely. He says he will get over it, but it comes up over and over in conversation. He wants to know what my reasoning was for cheating but I don’t want to dwell on the past. I am already attached so that’s why I put up with it. Can I work things out with him and is there a chance for us to be happy?

Sincerely,
Never Gonna Dance Again, OK

Dear Never Gonna Dance Again,
Sadly, the outcome of this situation isn’t in your hands, it’s in the guy’s. What it comes down to is that some guys can get over the past and some guys can’t.

If he keeps on bringing it up over and over again, then that is a sure sign that he can be put in the category of guys that CAN’T get over it. A relationship’s foundation is built on trust. If there is no trust, that’s when guys become controlling, they make you stop going out with friends, they become suspicious of male friends, they control what you wear, and your relationship buys a one way ticket for disaster. Is this what you want to sign up for?

If you don’t want to give up, your only option is to build trust. You can live more conservatively, give up reckless habits, dress more conservatively. Do I sound ridiculous to you? Because this love guru certainly feels ridiculous! There are many guys out there, and you shouldn’t have to pretend or change or alter anything about yourself to please him. Yes, I know normal guys are extremely hard to find but when you cage up your spirit or alter your colors in anyway, in the long haul, it will come back to haunt you or back fire.

The best advice I can give you is that if this guy can’t make a commitment to you. Then you need to break things off and pursue a friendship with him. You need to value your goodies a little more instead of giving it out for free. (Which also isn’t helping him change his opinion of you.) Back track and take it slow, give him a moment to think about what he lost, and if you are truly meant to be, he will come back to you.

Sincerely,
Your Love Guru

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