Ladies, I have a serious disease. Its known as CSMS. Many of us have it, but few of us have been treated for it. It’s highly contagious. If your friends suffer from this disease, STAY AWAY—you are likely to have it within one to three weeks. Symptoms are early attachment and loss of credibility with friends, side effects are heartache and many drunken nights. If not appropriately treated, this disease is likely to lead to our men treating us like crap, until we get dumped for younger, thinner versions of ourselves. That’s right, I have Chronic Soul Mate Syndrome.

It has plagued most of the female desi population. We go out and meet any brown man with decently gelled hair with whom we share one thing in common—whether it’s the state in India our parents are from, our religion, or our seemingly atypical love for Amir Khan movies—somehow we find it reasonable to proclaim him as ‘the one’. Lets face it, most of these guys use that commonality to get us in bed, while we mistakenly believe fate has brought this future husband in our lives. It’s time for us to call a spade a spade and identify the real marriage material men from seasonal trash. Here are some signs to determine if this man is your soul mate or worthy of only a few drunken nights.

Robs the Cradle If you are looking for a spring fling, you can find him lurking around the newest clubs in pursuit of young, hott girls with convincing fake ID’s. Spring flings love the thought at getting a chance to eat some fresh meat. And for these players, the younger the better. This is partially because they look like ten year old girls and partially because they are more often- then -not found in extreme drunken stupors. With the touch of a few digits, these hollarables are easily accessed for afterhour assistance, and are easily escapable in the morning as the only talking they are capable of doing is with the toilet. So if you want a ring that doesn’t involve late night cellular minute…

Rocks the Cradle This man is tender sweet and caring. He is attentive to all of your needs, emotionally and physically. The pleasure you get from him actually continues into the morning when he’s making you chai or breakfast in bed. He treats you so well, that you can’t help but think what a wonderful father he would make some day. A guy in marriage mode would feel like a criminal prowling at an undergrad ISA party. Because he knows, that when he’s ready to get married, it’s a woman, and not a girl that can hold down the house and provide the happiness he desires.

Hardly Working TLC warned us a decade ago about these men, or shall I say…SCRUBS. When you ask them what they do, they use a lot of long, vague words to describe their unemployment status. They usually claim to have big dreams, but have been desi party promoters for the past five years. They love to throw three powerful letters out M.B.A. along with IVY League school names, yet none of them seem to have gone to colleges you have ever heard of nor do they even own a GMAT prep book. These Scrubs have no ambition to work, and thus would have no capabilities to provide for a family. This man will need a suga mama the day his parents cut him off…but do you really want to win that title?

Hardworking Our parents don’t just want us to marry doctors because they will be rich (though that is definitely an added bonus), its because they are hardworking individuals, who are incredibly bright. Whether it’s a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or businessman, he needs an occupation to afford maintaining us, and our future. And let’s face it, people that are hardworking during the day, are usually willing to work up a hard sweat when the lights go out. Ambition on all fronts.

Impressed By Your Ability to Drink When you ask your spring fling what he likes about you, it is usually, “you are smoking hott, or you are so fun to go out with.” He wants to do body shots off you at the bar after dressing you in the most scandalous outfit you owned to show his friends his newest toy. When the best quality that a man can come up with is that you are fun or hott, either he has no interest in your brains, or is lacking one of his own.

Loves the Way You Think This man loves alone time with you. He wants to get in your head and understand what is constantly cranking up there. When he takes you out, he always dresses you like a beautiful lady, and tells his friends stories about your career developments, or the cute things you say. A marriage material man knows that at the end of the day, it is the woman’s brains and not the beauty that will last through the entire marriage. He’s willing to allow the packaging to change, because he adores the gifts inside.

Grabs Your Goodies Spring Flings literally can’t keep his hands off of you. Whether it’s hands below the belt, or a hearty neck make out, these guys will grope you at a club like it’s an acceptable dance move. If a guy cares this little about protecting your reputation, then he’s going to care even less about your feelings when he runs to find a new summer lovin.

Holds Your Hand If a man really respects his wife-to-be, he will channel his love in a more respectful caring way. Light kisses on the forehead, or a touch of the cheek, will make us melt, without disgusting all of your friends. He will whisper how beautiful you are in your ear, and he will grab your hand and hold it as he walks you to your car. Every guy wants to respect his wife, which he can only do if he treats her well throughout the courting process.

Goes Dutch at Dinner Regardless of the fact that you are at a $5.99 all you can eat buffet at the local late night diner, this player will gladly embrace the Dutch method of payment. He claims he believes in equality, but what he really means is, he doesn’t think you will be around long enough to get a good return investment on the dinner and drinks. For some highly skilled spring flings, they have to stretch their unemployment checks between dinners with several women, which makes paying for your portion of the meal, an impossibility.

Buys You Dinner and Dessert A real man will find pleasure in showering you with all he can. He will insist on paying at least for the first three dinners. If he is running low on cash (hopefully because he paid the down payment on your ring) then he will suggest making you a candle light dinner instead. He will wear his nicest clothes to impress you, and buy the nice bottle of wine he can afford. This chivalry is not necessarily selfless though. See, if he’s ready to be married, then he looks at the payments on dinner as a life long investment.

Flirts With Your Friends You know that this man is constantly on the prowl, so don’t find his flirtatious comments to your girlfriend’s innocent…THEY ARE NOT. This man believes that he is so fly, that he can have you and your friend on the side. A tell tale sign that this is more than a few sweet one liners is to test this man around your guy friends. If he seems totally bored and uninterested in getting to know them or apathetic to understanding your friendship with them, then it’s a safe bet to say he was actually more than interested in your female friends. In reality, any guy that is really good to you, is good to all of your friends, male and female alike.

Fancies Your Family Ok, so it’s a little bit different in the desi world. We aren’t running to bring home any boyfriends for quite some time. But there are small things that a hubby- to- be would do, that are signs that he really cares about you. This man would jump at the chance of meeting your siblings and their kids, because it gives them a preview of what his children will look like, along with what their wife might mutate into in a few years. Further, they know that if they win over the siblings, the parents will be easier to appease. These men go out of their way to fix your mothers broken computer, or listen to your sisters boy problems, or buy gifts for the nephews and nieces, because he cares and realizes that soon, this could be his family as well, so getting on their good side is in his best interest. Smart man…

– KAMA PANDIT