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Is masturbation hurting my love life?
Dear Love Guru,
I’m 23 and I have an amazingly high sex drive, which normally I think is fine, except sometimes it takes over my life. Like for instance, I used to only masturbate when I had a boyfriend and we were far away, but we’ve been broken up for a while and now I do it all the time. Sometimes I think I do it when I’m stressed or bored, but now I’m not even really sure why. I masturbate at least 2-3 times a day, and sometimes I feel like I’m add-icted. Is that even possible?
The thing is, I don’t really believe in hooking up all the time with different guys and I’m not ready for another relationship. But, I noticed it started becoming a problem because when I did hook up with a couple different people I wasn’t all that into it and kept thinking, “I could probably do this better myself.” I don’t want to become unable to be intimate with some-one and I’m not sure what to do. Please help.
“La Isla Bonita,” NY
There was an episode of Sex and the City that clearly addressed this issue. One of the characters, Charlotte, was introduced to â€œthe Rabbit,â€ a skillfully constructed vibrator that became such an addiction that she faded out of reality to spend time at home with her new mechanical playmate. The point of the episode is that, yes, it is an addiction, and every addiction stems from something deeper. For Charlotte it was her frustration with guys in general. She felt a sense of power from being able to give herself everything; everything.
I really donâ€™t think masturbating is the best way to deal with stress, boredom, or any feeling that is afflicting you outside of horniness. That is like turning to food, alcohol, or drugs to deal with things. Maybe you feel momentary calmness or pleasure, but youâ€™re doing jack for yourself long term. Get to the root of the problem and take control of the situation. I am definitely not saying, donâ€™t help yourself out here and there, but do it because that is what your body is calling for, not your nerves.
Now will this addiction keep you from ever being sexually satisfied? I really doubt it. The sad reality about most women is that we have low sexual expectations. We usually choose love over amazing sex lives and put big hearts over teeny peenyâ€™s. Itâ€™s in those rare cases that Desi girls break free from their sexual inhibitions and truly explore their sex drives â€œthemselvesâ€ when they realize that the average man canâ€™t live up. The solution to your problem is to find a man with an equal sex drive and equal skill. I have known girls to have luck dating older guys and nerds who are less consumed with their own orgasms and more in tune with what women want.
Your Love Guru
Should I relocate for my man?
Dear Love Guru,
I am 23 and my boyfriend and I have been together not all that long, (only about three months) but we are crazy about each other and I know we will eventually get married. He is seriously perfect for me, and I am for him. He has actually asked me to go home with him for Thanks-giving. We have also talked about moving in together around that time as well. Anyway, the problem is that with his job he may be moving out of the area. He is working on one job that ends in September and he doesnâ€™t know where his company will send him from there.
I am having a really hard time putting myself completely into the relation-ship, as much as I love him, because I am worried about him moving out of the area. I donâ€™t know how I would be able to handle seeing someone every day to seeing him only on the weekends. I am trying really hard to be supportive and understanding, but I canâ€™t help worrying about our relationship and me. I would be completely willing to go with him, except I like my job, and all of my family and friends are here. He is a few years older than me and used to moving around, but I have lived in the same state my entire life. I want to try new places, I really do, but I donâ€™t know if I can actually do it. Love Guru, what should I do? This is something that is affecting our relationship; more and more as the time gets closer, I push him further awayâ€¦.
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, VA
Dear No Mountain,
To move or not to move: that is the question. I think I would get a resounding â€œhell yeaâ€ from all the veterans out there that three months is way too short a time to decide if you should marry someone. Yes, you love everything about him and you can see yourself with him in the future, but the bottom line is that this is the euphoria period. Wait until all those crazy love hormones stop bombarding your brain to make such a life impacting decision. Unless your ovaries are about to shrivel up and die, take your time, sistah!
At the same time, it is not too early to decide if you want to take the next big step in pursuing the relationship and working to find out if he is the one. The â€œrightâ€ answer to this situation is to say that if you are not going because you are inhibited stepping out of your comfort zone then you need to realize life is about change. You can live in one area your whole life, but are you really living? More importantly, if being long distance is going to be detrimental to your relationship then that is more reason to get over your inhibitions.
I said that was the â€œrightâ€ answer, because getting over your fears is easier said then done. The truth is, no matter how much advice people get, everyone does things in their own time. If you are not ready to move, donâ€™t force yourself. If you guys are truly compatible you will be able to have a strong mental relationship being long distance for awhile.
Moving away from everything you know and having the love of your life move away are two equally scary things. Just take a minute to picture both scenarios. Which one can you see yourself doing with the least stress and most amount of happiness for the next year or two? What-ever your decision is, the people that truly love you will be happy for you and will understand.
Your Love Guru