I met the lawyer online, on a casual dating site (the free kind). Don’t worry; I wasn’t cruising around an AOL chat room. I am not looking to end up on To Catch a Predator: Desi Edition.
I’ve always wanted to be an attorney. Ever since I saw Rani Mukherjee get justice for ex Indian air force officer squadron leader,Veer Pratab Singh, I knew that I wanted to, through law, reunite all the Veer-Zaaras of the world. Unfortunately, to my parent’s dismay this dream was never fulfilled. So what’s the next best thing? Date an attorney, duh.
So one afternoon I did a quick search for ‘Indian,’ and ‘legal/law,’ and bam hundreds of potentials were laid out for me. I spent the rest of the work day sorting through the profiles. I enlisted the help of my co-worker, Lyida, who never passed up an excuse to cease work activities.
Most of the guys seemed meh, but this one profile really struck me (Okay, honestly I didn’t really read the profile, the picture really struck me). “Want it,†I said to Lydia while pawing at the computer screen.
“Message him,†she replied chuckling.
“What should I say?â€
“Say something witty.â€
“Obviously I have to say something witty. Any thoughts as to what that witty comment should be?†I paused thinking if it was even appropriate to message men. Is a dating site a virtual bar? And if so, should I wait to be approached? “Wait, is it weird if I message him?â€
“How the hell should I know?†she replied, “I am married.â€
I sighed and sent him an anticlimactic message; I figured my profile picture would carry me through. The next day, there in my inbox, waited a response from the lawyer. And so began our love story.
Three messages later he asked me if I was interested in meeting up. “Of course,†I replied.  My online dating rule # 1 use to be – Meet the potential as soon as possible. This way you’ll know if you are legitimately interested and won’t waste your time chatting up a dud.
We made plans to meet at the Gansevoort on Park Ave. Actually, I made these plans, he had suggested some place on the Lower East Side and I immediately declined. It was a Wednesday night buddy, these heels were not trekking down to LES. My real life dating rule # 1 for you – Never be as difficult as I am.
Wednesday:
8:50 p.m. – my phone buzzes – I put down my bright pink straightener and run to grab it, ‘I am here – sitting by the bar,’ it reads.
“Shit,†I yell out loud. We are supposed to meet at 9 p.m. Why is he there ten minutes early? I turn of the straightener and I scramble to get my shoes on. I take one last look in the mirror, damn, I look good, I obviously work out.
9:07 p.m. – I am out the door. It shouldn’t be hard to find a cab on 2nd avenue, I think. Boy, am I wrong. I can’t find a cab. I hustle to 3rd avenue, it’s 95 degrees out and I can feel my deodorant succumbing to sweat. Finally I manage to hail a cab, I jump in.  The cold AC air hits my face. I feel better. My phone says its 9:12 p.m. I text him, “Just found a cab, sorry, be there soon.” I hope he doesn’t leave.
9:25 p.m. – I make it, 30th and Park Ave, one last look at myself in the elevator and I am ready to go. I spot him sitting in the corner. He is cute. A little short, but cute. We make eye contact; he smiles at me and walks over.
“Hi,†he says and gives me a hug. We both head over to the bar. I order a glass of Prosecco. We sit down, it’s really hot and my thighs are sticking to the couch. I try to pretend like this doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Now that I can see him up close, he is really (really) cute. I could see us together. My thoughts drift to our wedding…dum dum da-dum, dum dum, da-dum… I can see it so clearly.
“So, what do you do for a living?†he asks me, bring me back to reality.
“Oh, well, I manage ad spend …†I go off on a tangent pretending like I care about my job and he obviously pretends like he cares about my job too or anything I say  for that matter.
“That sounds interesting,†he responds. I smile and nod. I want to tell him that I can also sew, cook, and mix a mean cocktail. But I doubt that would interest him.
We walk out to the balcony, it’s a clear night, and I can see the Empire State Building. He puts his arm around me, for a moment it’s like I matter to him. It’s like I am someone substantial in his life. The moment ends and he looks at me and goes in for the kiss. I pull back from him. I am not really interested in kissing men I’ve just met. I did it in college, but now it seems pointless, like empty calories. But eventually I just let him kiss me anyway.
We leave the lounge at around 1 a.m. and I let him walk me home against my better judgment. This is where I begin to dislike him. I think Mr. Justice might have thrown back one too many Dewars on the rocks because he is incredibly handsy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional hand on the lower back, but not groping while walking up Park Avenue and certainly not on a first date.
We get to the door, I give him a hug. I am trying to exit the situation as quickly as possible with my virtue intact.
“I have two other dates this week,†he says while holding my hands. I am confused. “But, don’t worry, you are definitely second date material.†I am in awe. I just look at him. I am so shocked at his statement that I don’t notice him winding up to give me another kiss. I let him kiss me, I am not sure why. Feels like nothing. Finally, I push him back but he isn’t done yet. Then Mr. Justice commits an  unforgivable crime–he grabs my butt on our first date, in front of my apartment building. I feel violated. Can I sue him for unlawful grabbing of the butt?
“Goodnight,†I give him another hug and run into my building. And so our love story ends.
Online dating is tricky. Ladies, you have to be careful. Now my #1 online dating rule – Looks can be deceiving, carry pepper spray.
– DIL
Read the Chronicles of a Brown Girl Series
Illustration: Pragya Kathari
hilarious!
SECOND DATE MATERIAL.
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